My original intent was the asking of her perspective on the district, yet I felt the need to tell her how poorly I'd done, which then makes no sense why I'd even need to consider working there because the offer probably wouldn't be forthcoming.
In truth, I did not bomb the interview. I walked away feeling that it was very intimidating and formal and that I could have done better, but also with the feeling that I could very well have just landed myself the job. But over the past week, I have talked myself into believing that they disliked me altogether and I performed incredibly poorly. Why do I do that to myself? Nick points it out a lot when I'm referring to how I've done on something or what others must have thought.
I think it comes down to a crippling attempt at self-preservation and protection from disappointment. If I can set my expectations (and the expectations of others for me) low and blame it on my performance, then if I don't get the job, it doesn't come as a surprise and doesn't feel as crushing because I tell myself it's what I was expecting all along.
In short, I need to quit this. My value doesn't come from my performance in the first place and talking myself from a positive attitude into a negative one steals joy. I've long been challenged by the concept that thinking too poorly of myself is as much vanity as being proud. God created me as I am and to say he should have done better is arrogant. Now just because God has lovingly made me doesn't mean I couldn't have done poorly at this interview, but it addresses my propensity to assume I will fail in my attempts through life. It also points to a lack of faith that I'm not the only one in control of my future. Three versions of a verse I am reminded of today.
Romans 12:3, emphasis added:
"Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us." (New Living Translation)
"For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith." (New American Standard Bible)
And some thoughts pulled out of the Message's rendition:
"Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him."
This post is a little thrown together, as I'm worried less that it comes across polished and more about processing through my thoughts this morning and sharing them with you. I'm tempted to do a better job trying to provide a more airtight explanation of what I'm trying to say, but I think I'll just leave it as is and you can take it how you will. Besides, I have a paper I need to be writing, so now that I've processed, the need for polishing is surpassed by the need to crank out 11 pages of highly technical text. Thanks for joining me in my thoughts.
No comments:
Post a Comment